[South Park Elementary, the classroom]
Wendy: Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day.
Stan: I know.
Wendy: Maybe we should go on a cruise or something. [some sentimental music plays]
Stan: I can't afford a cruise, dude.
Wendy: I know, but...we can make a little boat out of cardboard and pretend it's a cruise. [Cartman roars with laughter]
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: [still laughing] That is so-ho lame! [settles down and wipes away some tears of joy] Oh man, I...
Wendy: -and then we can dress up in little costumes and pretend we're getting married.
Cartman: [roaring with laughter once again and falls off his chair] Stop, seriously; you're killing me all the time.
Principal Victoria: [rushing in] Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery. [The class erupts in cheers] So you're going to have a substitute teacher. [the class sighs] And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison. [Kyle raises his hand] Yes, little boy?
Kyle: We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.
Principal Victoria: ...Oh. Anywho, I want you all to meet your new substitute, Ms. Ellen. [she enters and stands before the class]
Ms. Ellen: [brightly] Hello, children. [The boys perk up]
Stan, Kyle: Whoa!
Cartman: [slowly] Wow, she's pretty.
Kenny: (Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
Stan: You can say that again.
Kenny: (Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
Principal Victoria: Good luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control, just use this tear gas, okay. [places it next to the apple]
Ms. Ellen: Thank you! I'm sure I'll be fine. [the boys get dreamy and smile big, even Kenny] Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery, [the boys are in love] but I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us. [Wendy starts to notice]
Wendy: [gasps] Stan? Stan?!
Ms. Ellen: Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments. You arrre Eric...Cartman?
Cartman: [brightly] Yes, ma'am.
Ms. Ellen: Okay aaand you must be Stan Marsh.
Stan: Yeu-bluuuch. [Wendy is taken aback. Stan has barfed only for her before]
Ms. Ellen: [a moment later] Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?
Cartman: Noh, he always pukes when he's in love.
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Cartman! [Wendy is sad]
Ms. Ellen: So you're alright?
Stan: Bluuuch [Wendy looks forward, wondering why...]
Kyle: Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I have to admit I'm still embarrassed about getting a nose job, Tom. I didn't want people at school to know, so I told them I had herpes.
Tom: You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. Garrison. People have cosmetic surgery all the time. Before we start, this computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want. [Tom touches the screen, and Mr. Garrison's face pops up, then a side view emerges]
Mr. Garrison: Wow! Isn't that amazing Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: It sure is, Mr. Garrison!
Tom: Now, we could go with something a little smaller, which would make you look like this [the nose on his image is shrunk]
Mr. Garrison: Hmmm.
Tom: Or we could straighten out the bridge, which would make you look like this [the nose is straightened].
Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's not bad.
Tom: Of course, we could narrow the bridge, which would make you look more like this [the nose is narrowed, at which point an image of David Hasselhoff appears. A flourish is added for effect].
Mr. Garrison: WOW! That's it! That's the nose I want!
Tom: Alright-y then. [resets the program. The computer turns itself off] Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. You could wind up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that you're forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at nighttime for scraps of food.
Mr. Garrison: I can live with that.
Tom: [excitedly] Alrighty then, let's get started! [they go off to the operating room]
[The school playground. The kids are at play. The boys stand before the jungle gym]
Cartman: She wasn't looking at you, buttlord, she was looking at me!
Kyle: Well that goes without saying, fatass, how could she help but look at you!
Stan: You guy can stop fighting. It was me she was checking out!
Cartman: Until you puked on her.
Chef: [approaching] Hello there, children! What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?
Kyle: Ms. Ellen, dude! She's beautiful! [Wendy looks at him from the swings, then looks down]
Chef: Is she like uh - Vanessa Williams beautiful or-uh Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? ...Or - is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?
Stan: Yeah, that one!
Chef: Wooof! I've got to meet this woman.
Wendy: [approaching] Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?
Wendy: Well it is!
Chef: That's okay. You know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other...
Kenny: (Yeah, they totally kick ass at spanking!)
Chef: Thaat's right!
Wendy: Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it?
Chef: That's okay. you know what they say about women with the mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of it... [Kenny looks up at Chef and simply shrugs]
Wendy: [panicking a little] Stan? We're still Valentines, right?
Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.
Kyle: Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents. [turns right and starts walking away]
Stan: Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight! [follows him out]
Cartman: I'm gonna buy a vacuum cleaner-chicks like vacuum cleaners [his voice trails off as he follows his friends away. Chef leaves as well.]
[Wendy takes a step to go with them, but stops and ponders her relationship with Stan. A tear wells up in her eye, then falls as she sniffs.]
I remember when we were still in love
The moments that we shared were timeless.
Saw it in the wind, knew it in a glance,
the songs we sang were simple reminders.
[Moments from Wendy's time with Stan, Part I (he throws up every time)]
Stark's Pond: she comes up behind him and says, "Hi, Stan"
Stark's Pond: she asks him to come with her (to get Cartman)
Cafeteria: she hands him a note (an invitation to Stark's Pond)
Cemetery: amid a field of dead zombies, she puckers up
Classroom: she hands him a daisy (he throws up with every step she takes)
I can't stop now
[Wendy is sobbing somewhat]
My heart's awake
I feel your arms
My arms to take
I must have changed...
[Moments from Wendy's time with Stan, Part II (he throws up every time)]
A vivid sunset: she snuggles up to him on the limb of a tree
Football practice: she cheers him on, he throws up, she looks away for an instant, and Cartman tackles him. Where's his helmet?
Cafeteria: he throws up as she approaches; she slips in it and falls flat on her back
Playground: Stan and Kyle are working those hobby elephants furiously when Wendy and Bebe approach (he threw up on her three times)
Woods: Stan and Wendy pucker up to kiss (after they got Ike back)
Female singer: ...Even when love is the same. [Wendy sheds another tear, then turns left and walks away]
[Classroom. Ms. Ellen is writing away on the blackboard. The boys are smiling broadly. The camera zooms in on the reason why. Ms. Ellen stops writing, but the boys are still smiling.]
Ms. Ellen: Oohhh, goodness. Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?
Cartman: [eagerly] Memememememe, me!
Bebe: You guys are so immature! Act like eight-year olds!
Ms. Ellen: Stan, how about you?
Stan: Bluuch! I'd love to. [Wendy turns angry]
Ms. Ellen: Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables. [Cartman raises his hand] Cartman?
Cartman: What's a multiplication table?
Ms. Ellen: Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication? [the class stares back. Kevin showly shakes his head] Well, where did he leave off?
Cartman: We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is going out with that...Richard Greco guy that used to be on 21 Jump Street but then he got his own show for just a little while- [the door opens and Chef appears. The class looks at him]
Chef: Oh, hello.
Ms. Ellen: Can I help you?
Chef: [eyebrows aflutter] I'm Chef.
Ms. Ellen: Aand?
Chef: I just uuuh - I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundry detergent on the playground.
Kyle: My laundry detergent?
Stan: That's not Kyle's...
Chef: Sshh. Crazy cracker's always leavin' that detergent all over the place. [drops off a box of "Whitey's Washing Detergent" on Kyle's desk, then walks over to Ms. Ellen] What was your name again?
Cartman: Uh-oh. Chef's moving in on Ms. Ellen.
Ms. Ellen: I'mm the substitute.
Chef: Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you.
Ms. Ellen: That's very nice, Mr. Chef, now, if you're...finished-
[Music starts and he starts to sway]
Nobody could take your place
No way they could match your face, no
You've got it going on in a way so clear,
I just want to buy you a beer...
Uh maybe tonight, at 7:30 or something I could uh - come by and uh -
Pick you up in my caa-a-aaaa-aa-aa-aa-aaar (No substitute)
No substitute for you (No substitute)
No, baby, there's (No substitute)
For you girl (No substitute) for you now
You know that it's true (No substitute)
There's just, no substitute for
Stan: We've got to learn how to do that, dude!
Ms. Ellen: That was enthralling, Mr. Chef, but...could I get back to teaching now?
Chef: If we can have dinner tonight.
Ms. Ellen: Fine, Chef. [he grins] Just let me do my job before I get fired.
Cartman: Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!
Ms. Ellen: Wwhat?!
[Tom's Rhinoplasty. Mr. Garrison comes to, but his head is still in bandages]
Tom: Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Where-eh, where am I?
Tom: The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Uuf, I feel weak. How do I look?
Tom: You look great!
Mr. Garrison: Ah-I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom: Yes? Well, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, ssnapped some cartilage...
Mr. Garrison: Aauugh-huh.
Tom: ...all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [starts making sound effects of tearing flesh]
Mr. Garrison: UUUUUuuuuuugh
Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact? [Mr. Garrison pops up and turns to the side of the bed]
Mr. Garrison: Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!
Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest [Mr. Garrison lies down]; I'll check on you a little later. [walks out]
Mr. Garrison: Wuch, uch. Boy I had to see the entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!
[Classroom. The school bell has rung and the kids are leaving]
Ms. Ellen: Okay, kids, remember your homework. We have a lot of catching-up to do.
Cartman: [enunciating] Good-bye, Ms. Ellen.
Kyle: [looks back] Stop kissing ass, Cartman!
Cartman: I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut! [exits]
Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Wendy: [sits next to the teacher's desk] I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
Ms. Ellen: Ohhh. Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy. [they reach out towards each other]
Wendy: [angrily, flips her off] Don't fuck with me!
Ms. Ellen: [stunned] Wha?
Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup your sorry little ass back to last year! [Ms. Ellen is shocked. Wendy drops from the chair and leaves] Bye, Ms. Ellen.
[Day two, the classroom]
Ms. Ellen: Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children for the presents you got me [A pile of gifts sits on the teacher's desk. Smiles flash onto the boys' faces. She opens the first gift] Ohhh. What a delightful scarf. Thank you, Kyle. [he's dancing blissfully in his seat]
Stan: [feigning a clearing throat] Ploozer gift, ploozer gift.
Ms. Ellen: And here's one from Kenny. [opens it] Oh, thank you very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious-looking sausage. [He laughs, sure that she got the hint] Oh, and what a nice alarm clock. Thank you, Stan.
Stan: Bluuch. [losing patience, Wendy thumps her desk and glares at him]
Ms. Ellen: And here's another present...from Wendy. [opens it] Oh. Why, it's a dead animal. [holds it up for all to see] Thank you, Wendy [now irate that Ms. Ellen didn't fold].
Stan: See? She liked my present the best!
Kyle: Where's your present, Cartman?
Cartman: Oh, well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but uuuuh-I left it at home [the left corner of his mouth tells a different story]
Ms. Ellen: Okay, kids. We're gonna take a spelling test now. [all gasp] But as an extra incentive I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner. [the boys except Cartman perk up]
Cartman: Oh, man, I wish I knew how to spell.
Ms. Ellen: Are there any questions before we begin? [Wendy raises her hand] Yes, Wendy?
Wendy: When someone gets as old as you, [Cartman takes a bite out of the chocolate pie] do they have to wear Depends undergarments? [Ms. Ellen looks dismayed. Wendy just looks back]
[The Cafeteria. The boys are in line for lunch]
Kyle: Dude! I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!
Stan: No you're not! I don't think I missed any!
Wendy: [approaches witn Bebe. Both have lunches already] Hi, Stan.
Stan: I bet I scored 100!
Wendy: HI, STAN!
Stan: Oh, hi, Wendy.
Wendy: I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen.
Kyle: No, she wasn't!
Wendy: Yes, she was!
Stan: That's impossible!
Wendy: Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!
Wendy: It smells like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!
Kyle: Oh cool.
Cartman: Hey Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing!
Kyle: Yeah. You're acting like a freak, Wendy.
Wendy: NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAK!!! [realizes she has made a spectacle of herself as her voice echoes all over the room. Everyone in the cafetera looks at her. She moves away, humbled. Bebe follows]
Cartman: Damn, man, someone's got to pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass. [they go in to get their lunches]
Chef: [somberly] Hello there, children.
Cartman: Oh, hi, Chef.
Kyle: How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?
Chef: Not too good.
Stan: What happened? Didn't you make sweet love to her?
Chef: No, nono, she's not like that. You see... uh, how do I put this? Children,... Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team. [they wait...] Ih-ih-ih-in in other words, children, she's not a member of the...heterosexual persuasion. [they just blink at him] Don't you understand? She's a lesbian.
Stan: A whatbian?
Kyle: A plebeian?
Chef: You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
Stan: Kenny? [he throws his palms up. He doesn't know, either] No, explain it to us, Chef.
Chef: Hud-that-that's okay. Uhd-uh, look. All you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
Chef: Now move along, children, you're holding up the line! [they head back into the cafeteria]
Kyle: Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?
Stan: Hey, man. If she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians, too!
Kyle: Hey, yeah!
Cartman: You guys. Ya know what? My grandma was Dutch Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian - that makes me quarter-lesbian.
Stan: You're just saying that, Cartman.
Kyle: Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fatass.
Cartman: I am, too!
Tom: Okay, only a few more bandages to go.
Mr. Garrison: Well?
Tom: Take a look for yourself. [Mr. Garrison takes the mirror and sees a reflection of himself - as David Hasselhoff. He will look this way from now on]
Mr. Garrison: Wwooww, that's a pretty good nose job. What do you think, Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: I think it looks great.
Tom: Yes. I think once the swelling goes down you'll really notice the difference.
[Cartman's house, after school. He's on the living room floor licking the carpet. His friends enter]
Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet.
Stan: Well I got a...Indi-glo...Girls CD. The guy at the record store said it was perfect. [he pops the CD into the stereo]
Kyle: And I got these killer Birken-stocks.
[Stan and Kyle promptly join Cartman on the floor. Kenny studies them for a moment, drops down and thinks a bit, then starts licking]
Indiglo Girls singer: I woke up very early one Sunday morn...
Cartman: This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!
[Sidewalk. The camera focuses on a pair of feet as they begin to move. The camera pans up to reveal Mr. Garrison walking down the street to the beat of Andy Gibb's Shadow Dancing. He stops by a woman in a yellow blouse and red skirt]
Mr. Garrison: Hi, Mrs. Campbell.
Mrs. Campbell: [breathlessly] Oh, How-dy Mr. Garrison. Se-hey, honey, you look kinda differe-hent-huh.
Mr. Garrison: Really?
Mrs. Campbell: Did you get a haircut?
Mr. Garrison: No, but thanks for asking. [he moves down the street]
Mrs. Campbell: [waving at him] Call me! I'm in the book!
Mr. Garrison: Wow, Mr. Hat. Having a nose job is even better than I thought. There's a whole world of opportunity opening up in front of us.
[Wendy's house. Bebe is at the door]
Wendy: Thanks for coming over, Bebe.
Bebe: [follows Wendy to the sofa] That's okay, Wendy. I brought my makeup kit like you asked me. What are we doing, anyway?
Wendy: That mean old substitute isn't going to stop until she takes everything from me, Bebe.
Wendy: Yeah. What I'd really like to do is load her into a rocket and have her shoot into the center of the sun. But instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me again. Bebe, I need a makeover.
Bebe: Oh, cool.
[Day three, the classroom]
Stan: I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am.
Cartman: I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
Stan: No, you're a fatter lesbian than me.
Kyle: Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!
Clyde: Whoa. [all eyes look right] Is that Wendy Testaburger? [heads turn. Cartman smiles]
[Wendy had a makeover all right. She comes in dressed in a two-piece leather suit, blush, eyeshadow... A (candy?) cigarette hangs from her lips and her hair is feathered out. She walks in with an air of sophistication and then takes out the cigarette. A smoky tune plays as she enters. The guys in class are rathered pleased at this makeover]
Wendy: Hi guys, what's up?
Cartman: Wow. Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease, Elton John. [Stan smiles and his eyes follow her to her desk]
Stan: Wow. Hi, Wendy.
Wendy: Oh. Hi, Stan. [turns to Bebe and whispers] I think it worked, Bebe.
Bebe: [pleased] Yeah.
Ms. Ellen: Good morning, children. [she, too, comes in wearing a two-piece leather suit]
Stan: Wow! [Wendy and Bebe are devastated]
Cartman: Dang! That's nice!
Ms. Ellen: Oh, Wendy! You wore black leather, too! [Wendy is mortified] We're like sisters!
Wendy: DIE!! [Stan rests his head on his hands and melts into a wavy smile while Cartman is overjoyed]
Ms. Ellen: All right, kids, I've finished grading your papers and the person with the highest score is-
Mr. Garrison: Hello there, children! [Shadow Dancing starts up again and he dances. The class just looks at him.]
Stan: Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back.
Cartman: Oh, weak, dude!
Wendy: Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison! [triumphal music plays as she leaps out of her desk and somersaults her way to the teacher's desk. She lands next to Ms. Ellen]
[doing a little cheer] He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back! So loong, substitute. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, now.
Mr. Garrison: Children, I have a very important announcement to make. [the class listens] I'm quitting my job as a teacher. [all gasp and the music dies]
Mr. Garrison: It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching, and do what I've always dreamed of doing: hang out and screw hot chicks.
Wendy: You...you can't.
Mr. Garrison: But the good news is, [Principal Victoria appears at the door] I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher. [Stan smiles]
Class: Hooray! [Wendy is deflated again]
Ms. Ellen: Really?
Principal Victoria: That's right. Will you stay?
Ms. Ellen: Wel...sure!
Wendy: [barely containing herself] Noooo! Noooo!
Ms. Ellen: Oh. By the way, kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me...is...Stan.
Stan: Bluuch. Kick ass!
Wendy: Nooo!! Nooo!!
Principal Victoria: Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in the office: your grandma just died.
Principal Victoria: Oh, my! What an exciting day!
[Mr. Garrison is in a photo shoot, posing away as Shadow Dancing plays]
Photographer: Great, baby, you're looking great!
Mr. Garrison: I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Photographer: Okay, just a few hundred more shots and we'll be done!
Mr. Garrison: A few hundred?
Photographer: Hey, that's the life of a model, baby.
Mr. Garrison: Hoh, boy, I'm gonna need some more smack.
Photographer: You've got it! [the shoot continues]
[Dinner at King Jimmy's Buffet. Stan and Ms. Ellen are at a booth. Dinner music is playing while thunder rolls by]
Ms. Ellen: I'm - very - glad we can have dinner together, Stanley. I want you to know that I really care about your education.
Stan: Are we making love now?
Ms. Ellen: Excuse me?
Stan: They don't have a fireplace here; we shouldn't be making love yet.
Ms. Ellen: What are you talking about?
Stan: You have to make love down by the fire, that's what Chef always says.
Ms. Ellen: Stan, I'm your teacher, okay? We're only friends.
Stan: But why?
Ms. Ellen: Well first of all, you're eight.
Stan: It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?
Ms. Ellen: Oh boy.
[Wendy stands outside the restaurant looking at the pair through a window clear across the room. The music takes on a somber tone]
Wendy: It's over. I give up. [she turns and walks away]
[Day four, the center of town. Mr. Garrsion reclines on a mailbox]
Mr. Garrison: Boy I'll tell you something Mr. Hat. Being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring.
Mr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison. [a crowd of women is heard coming Garrison's way]
Mr. Garrison: What the...? [the women appear and mob Mr. Garrison] Whoa-hey-way-wait-aaah. [they rip open his shirt] Aaaah. Mr. Hat! Save yourself! [Mr. Hat flies out of the fray]
[The classroom. Students are filing in and going to their seats]
Kyle: So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?
Cartman: Did you make love?
Stan: I think so.
Cartman: No way!
Kyle: Down by the fire?
Kenny: (And did you stick it in right when the fireplace gave you the shadow light?)
Stan: Did I what?
Ms. Ellen: [entering] Good morning, children.
Wendy: [approaching subdued] Ms. Ellen. Can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Sure, but...can't it wait until after class, Wendy?
Wendy: No. I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting.
Ms. Ellen: Oh, that's okay, Wendy.
Wendy: No, it's not. Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends.
Ms. Ellen: Well, I would love that, Wendy.
Wendy: And - ahem - I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong, [Stan frowns. Sad music plays] and I've learned from it. [Her eyes begin to well up with tears] I just wish...Stan, and Ms. Ellen, would have all the happiness in the world.
Ms. Ellen: Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!
Cartman: That's not what we just heard!
[the sidewalk. Mr. Garrison is next to a trash can. His shirt and pants are torn to bits. The top of Mr. Hat's hat is missing]
Mr. Garrison: Hoh Mr. Hat, I hate this! I wish I'd never had a nose job. [The women find him and rush towards him]
Woman: Oh my God, did he...?
Mr. Garrison: Damn this beautiful face of mine! Damn it to hell!! [he pants] We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat. I want to be the old me again! [He enters Ton's Rhinoplasty again, the women rush by, and he peeks out from behind the window. So much for looking like David Hasselhoff...]
Ms. Ellen: Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting.
[A commotion is heard in the hall, then Arab soldiers burst through the door and pour into the classroom with their swords drawn]
Leader: Down! Down! Everybody down!
Cartman: What the hell...? [everybody drops down below their desks]
Leader: So! We meet again, Ms. Ellen!
Principal Victoria: And just what is going on here, mister?
Leader: I am Hakeem Korashki, of the mighty nation of Iraq! This woman is a traitor to our government!
Ms. Ellen: It's a lie!
Korashki: She has killed thousands, and will kill again, I assure you!
Principal Victoria: Ms. Ellen, is this true?
Ms. Ellen: Nooo!
Korashki: We must take her back to Iraq immediately!
Wendy: Oh, coool!
Ms. Ellen: Principal Victoria, please.
Korashki: Here is a black-and-white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader. [shows photo] Her real name is Makesh Alak Makarakesh.
Principal Victoria: Well, Ms. Makaraqesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy. Take her away!
Ms. Ellen: NOOOO!! [grabs the scimitar away from a soldier] GET AWAY FROM ME!! UUGH!!
[The scimitar leaves her hand and heads for Kenny. It pierces him right above the nose, picks him up, and pins him to the back wall]
Stan: Oh my God, she killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Ms. Ellen: [being dragged out the door by the soldiers] NOOOOOOO!!
Wendy: Wow. [the kids take their seats] What incredible irony.
[School entrance. helicopters are hovering around, an ambulance and Officer Barbrady hold the crowd back. Stan is standing next to Wendy]
Stan: Wow. I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive.
Wendy: Yeah, you just never know.
Stan: Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff.
Wendy: Happy Valentine's Day, Staan. [she turns to kiss him. He turns to kiss her. Wendy's theme plays. They get closer, then...]
Stan: Bluuuuch! [right in her mouth]
Wendy: Eeewwww! [quickly wipes the vomit from her mouth]
Stan: [looks away, embarrassed] Sorry.
Wendy: No, it's okay, Stan! [he looks at her] Everything's going to be o-kay!
Kyle: Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?!
Cartman: [takes a big bite out of a cardboard box] Yeah, dude! My mom says all I have to do is chow on this box.
[Iraqi desert. Military maneuvers are taking place. The camra stops at a rocket waiting to be launched]
Korashki: For crimes against this country, you are hereby sentenced to be shot into the center of the sun!
Ms. Ellen: Egh. [she is moved to the rocket] This is all a mistake! [she is thrown in] This can't be happening! [she pops up, the rocket door is shut, and the rocket is fired up] Pleease! For the love of God!
Korashki: Shove off!! [the rocket takes off and heads for the sun]
[Wendy's house, pool party]
Mrs. Campbell: Wo-hoo-hoo! Great party, Wendy!
Wendy: Thanks, Mrs. Campbell. Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher.
Mrs. Campbell: Anything for you, sugar-pie!
Wendy: [seeing Kyle come up] Oh, hi, Kyle!
Kyle: I've been thinking, Wendy. This whole outcome is pretty strange.
Wendy: U-huh. Excuse me. [some Iraqi soldiers approach to talk to Wendy, and so] Ka fahra qehlaq hemblaq!
Iraqi: Ka fahra qetlaq humblaq! [Greetings...]
Wendy: Laq hemblaq henlaq henlalah qemblaq!
Iraqi: Kuhla shaluah lakhenblaturtulah!
Wendy: Kaqemblaq! [throws them a wad of bills]
Iraqi: Ah, laqeh blakatah! [they walk away miffed]
Kyle: How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly arrested for being an Iraq-
Wendy: Wait, wait! [throws off her sunglasses and reaches down] It's time to whip out the eclipse shoebox thing! [puts it up to her left eye, then smiles. She is looking at the rocket fired off by the Iraqis some time earlier as it nears the sun. She sees the impact] Bye-bye, Ms. Ellen.
Kyle: Wendy! You didn't!
Wendy: I told her. Don't... fuck... with... Wendy... Testaburger! [Kyle is shocked.]